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| This World |
| 01.30.04 (2:40 am) [edit] |
Well... the worlds seems to have spun right out of it's ordinary course and my insanity seems to have infected the physical order of things.
The guy I have been lusting for for about 6 months now just broke up with his perfect girlfriend.
So his perfect relationship is no more...
A bunch of other guys seem to have taken interest in me as well... and the world just seem the other way around.
Because... for a change, i'm the one taking my friends out for coffee, and I'm the one paying.
I have learned that I don't need to buy things nonstop and that physical appearance isn't as important as I thought it was before.
It's a whole new world out there, and it seems asto match my insanity to the letter.
It's not comforting at all, as one would think it is.
But it is very much so terrefying.
This means I might actually make it.
I might actuall have the same success as the people I admire!
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| The Insanity |
| 01.29.04 (3:09 am) [edit] |
You know what's truly insane?
School!
I swear, this institution is only made for driving teenagers insane!
Like I'd actually ever get use for litterature history or history at all!
Well... and the school food?
Bah... It's good we Swedes actually get money for going to school, or I'd doubt anyone would.
Well... I met this really lovely guy today!
One problem, he lives on the other side of the planet!
Damnit!
I really wonder why the heck these things happen to me!
I'm off to get my books and do some hardcore studying now.
Have a nice insane day... and blog away!
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| The Computor Room |
| 01.29.04 (12:43 am) [edit] |
Hah! That poor counselor is soooooo cracking!
She'll probably have me sent to the psy... psych... the doctor who gives diagnonsenses and pills anytime now!
She told me, in rough terms, that she doesn't want/she can't deal with a "cutter".
I never thought my temporary self-mutilation addiction would land me a time at the diagnonsense doctors office!
Anyway... I'll talk to this damned blog later! Buh bye!
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| The Phonebooth |
| 01.27.04 (3:43 am) [edit] |
I hope you people understand that I'm using this damned blog because I'm going crazy here.
I want a smoke damnit!
I'm broke and I feel like shit and all I want to do is to go home, pull a cover over my head and never take another breath, ever again!
I'm soooo addicted to this fucking blog!
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| The Common Room |
| 01.27.04 (3:02 am) [edit] |
I cannot eat anymore.
Considtering the size of my breakfast and the long walk to school I really should have been hungry as hell.
But I wasn't.
I had 6 pieces of potato (notice: pieces... not whole... but pieces) and one of those wierd veggie things they serve at this school.
Oh... and a bit of salad.
And I'm stuffed.
If I had eaten the last on my plate, the bite I threw away, I would have puked.
So... what's up for today?
A big, fat nothing, then some history... and then, perhaps, an evening in front of the tv or in the fucking bathtub...
I've been in water so much lately I think I'm turning into a fucking mermaid.
I don't think I'll be going to the gym today.
My throat is hurting and I think I might have a screwed up kind of fever.
I'm just not feeling too good at all.
But then again, it might all just be in MY HEAD!
I'm soooo sick and tired of this fucking shit!
It's driving me crazier then I already am, and I guess that creates an evil circle of darkness and emptyness.
The worse I get... the worse I feel, and the worse I feel, the worse I get.
See... it's not really my fault.
If someone would just diagnonsense me already I'd be fine.
At least I wouldn't keep driving myself crazier...
I know... you probably think I'm imagening that I'm crazy, well... so be it.
But wouldn't I have to be crazy to believe that I'm crazy?
So... you see... it's really not an option for me to be all peachy keen and healthy as all the other mindless drones around me!
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| The Washed Cut |
| 01.27.04 (1:20 am) [edit] |
The cutting... yes...oops I did it again.
And damnit... it felt nice too!
See... when you're as screwed up as I am, you only do it to feel alive... not to die.
Damn... I have more class then that.
If I wanted to die, I'd swallow the rest of the damn painkillers with a bottle of wine.
I'd rather die cloudy then bathing in blood.
Well... the most disturbing about weekends is the fact that I don't have access to the damned computor, unless I feel like walking a mile or two.
Ah... and yesterday?
What better way to start a fucking week then with being sick?
I had a fever, my stomach felt like a damned balloon and it's still aching somewhat.
I'm glad that there is a wonder known as bathtub.
A hot bath will make everything all right, until you step out of it and is close to fainting because the water was too damned hot!
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| The Cellar |
| 01.24.04 (10:44 am) [edit] |
Soo.... here I am, a little cloudy headed from the wine I just gulped down and I'm thinking about moving my ass homewards.
I keep on wondering what would happen if I just, got lost on my way home...
Not that it's likely to happen, but I wonder how my parents would react?
Well... I guess me and my cloudy head had better move on home.
After all, I'm not really feeling that well, and I bet I'm going to need the sleep if I'm going to clean my room and get some exercise tomorrow.
I feel like I live in a blasted cellar, like Joshoua in "Dark Angel".
And yes... I do watch Tv... I just don't go around bragging about it!
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| The Cafeteria |
| 01.24.04 (9:15 am) [edit] |
I'm at my fathers right now, I've gotten my doseage of coffee (a latte with irish cream falvour) and he's making my favourite food; seafood and pasta gratain.
I adore my father, he's the only person I can stand longer then 4 minutes right now.
So... what's up for the weekend?
Well... except for feeling miserable, I think I'll spend all of tomorrow working out and not eating a single thing apart from breakfast.
I'm not feeling like being sane this weekend.
And yes, there is a choice.
Being sane means acting like everything is just peachy keen, which things very rarely are...
So... as soon as I can get my hands on my dear sister, I want a cigarette from her.
Yes... I'm a two-faced bitch, i happen to hate people who smoke, but I enjoy a cigarette once in a while myself.
That's just the way I am, a two-faced scum.
It's all a part of being a mad-woman, sweetie!
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| The Checkup |
| 01.24.04 (7:53 am) [edit] |
So... it's saturday.
Time to decide what one wants out of this weekend.
I'd rather just have spent the day in bed, not move an inch and slowly become more and more entwined with my weird dreams.
But I have warders even though I am not in an institution.... they're called parents.
Or in my case; mother.
Heaven forbid one would sleep away a whole day.
Oh no.... that wouldn't do at all.
I just want a cup of coffee, some seafood and to go to sleep again!
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| The Cup Of Coffee On The Nightstand |
| 01.23.04 (4:11 am) [edit] |
I cannot sleep.
It just dawned on me... I think I sleep at night, but I don't.
But since my mind is so messed up right now, it doesn't really matter what's real and what isn't.
You know... there's a fine line between sane and crazy.
And I almost think that I would prefer having a personality disorder or whatever it is I might have.
Borderline Personality Disorder.
That's what I think I have, and that's what my counselor probably agrees with me that I might have.
I think she's already called the shrink who could diagnonsense me.
And I'm sure the doctor would be happy to take me in.
I'm sure I'm an interesting case.
See, that's the problem with me.
I think I'm hot shit and stuff.. just because I am the way I am.
And who I am... I think everyone adores me or hates me.
I'm so extreme.
How do I know I'm fucked up you might ask?
I have noticed it, dear.
I go blank... I lose days... I'm manic, depressed, empty... I'm fucked up.
And that, sweetie, is not normal.
Why do I want to be diagnonsensed?
Because if I know what I have... I know how to relate to myself.
I'll know what kind of stuff is messed up with my brain and I can think; I feel like this because I am like this, i can shrug, let my emptyness play out and then go on with my lifeless life.
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| The Symptom |
| 01.23.04 (1:02 am) [edit] |
There are various things that happen to you now and again that you know are not normal, but you don't care... because they usually only turn up one and one, now and then. and only Sometimes...
But when you have these things... emptyness, foggynessm, poor impulse controle, when you loose hours... days.
When you cannot view your reality as anything but a dreamworld, and you don't know what's a dream and what's a memory.
Then you know you're crazy.
And you start thinking: what if I cannot be diagnonsensed?
What if people will tell me I'm just sad?
What if people reject me as an attentionseeker?
Will I survive that?
I'm scared to death.... because I putted the ball in motion.
Or, rather... the dry voice in the back of my head did.
The one that tells me I'm crazy.
Then there's the emptyness.... that emptyness that tells me that I'm weak, and that I am not crazy... because crazy people don't seek help.
That I have betrayed myself in the face of my own flaws and qualities....
What's real, and what's not?
Am I really her?
If I go up... will I fall down?
Am I crazy? Or am I insane?
Am I sick or am I just blue?
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| The Confession |
| 01.22.04 (4:19 am) [edit] |
Well... yes.
I confessed some of my secrest.
Although not even half of them.
The poor counsolor told me she would call a proffessional who can diagnonsens me when I am ready.
She was nice though, and she really made me feel comfortable.
It was nice talking to someone, but I doubt I'll stay there long, one or two more chats and I wanna go and get diagnonsensed.
I hate Therapyou... (therapy) It's so damn intense, and my body starts crying even though my mind is blacnk.
I felt so damned selfcontious.
And my mind is blanker then before.
Although I almost feel like I'm in a damned movie.
I didn't even tell the poor thing about my self-mutilation.
and why should I?
They call your parents then, ya know.
As soon as you pick up a knife, all the confidential crap goes out the window and your mother will know that her dear daughter is seriously disturbed.
Well... at least I'm one step closer a dioagnonsens, which really is all I want, because as soon as I know what's wrong with me, I can totally make it on my own.
I don't have to be cured, I just have to be aware.
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| The Registration |
| 01.22.04 (12:54 am) [edit] |
So... this is the way it's going to be.
Now and forever?
This sweeping emptyness... this feeling of being alone and abandoned?
Perhaps it's just temporary?
Maybe I'll be normal tomorrow?
Or later today?
I'm probably just imagening myself being crazy.
I'm just telling myself that I'm empty.
Cause crazy people don't seek help, and I sure have.
Talking to a counselor?
Why do I think it'll help?
The answer is simple... because I'm not thinking.
I'm just not.
I'm just a bunch of impulses acted out.
Will I go?
Probably...
Will it help?
Probably not...
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